Thursday, April 22, 2010

Day 11 - First Bump

Today, I cheated! I struggled ALL day at work with wicked cravings but was able to push past them but at home I wasn't as successful. It's weird though, I worked most of the day in an empty office where no one would have seen me cheat but at home with my family around me I caved! What bugs me the most is the lack of guilt. I mean I know I shouldn't have had the small bowl of trifle or the fudge covered granola bar but I thought I would feel worse about it. I know that a little treat now and then when everything else you are eating is healthy is normally ok, but with the challenge all I had to do was not cheat.

The thing that is so hard for me is the whole mind over matter deal. I know that my weight is effecting my health, my energy, and even my feelings. I'm afraid that if I stay the weight I am that I'm going to end up with Type II diabetes and in a motorized scooter. Let's face it, my joints are getting worse (I've had trouble with my knees since I was a teenager and my other joints started casuing problems when I was 20) and the weight does not help. I don't want to be 40 and unable to walk up a flight of stairs. I want to be able to go into a thrift store and find a a great pair of jeans (yes I miss thrift stores). I want to be able to a healthier example for my daughter. So knowing that to get these things I need to loss weight, how do I change my inner thinking??

I feel like I keep sabotaging myself. For 12 years I have been hiding in a body that I don't even know. Daily I am shocked when I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflextion of a window. At one point I thought that I kept the weight on so that I didn't get screwed over again with guys. When I was thin, that's all I was too guys, a body. I didn't want to risk going through that again. I wanted someone to love me for me and not for the curves. The problem is, I don't know if I love me for me. I didn't love myself when I was thin and now I love myself but not the fat. It may sound crazy, but I think I'm afraid of being thin again. Wow, that's hard to admit.

This makes me think of Dr. Phil. Now I'm not a huge fan of his, but I do remember him saying that "you're fat because you want to be fat." I guess I should have listened to the next part where he talked about how to change that. Any tips on that would be welcomed!

1 comment:

  1. ...I'm at a loss.

    You are incredible no matter what you look like. Forget everyone else, forget what people think. Do it for you, for your health, for your knees, for your family. Do it so you can recognize yourself again. Forget about the weight, the size.

    Maybe you do want to be fat. But maybe ask yourself which you want more - diabetes & joint pain or the comfort of your shield. But make a CHOICE, don't just let it happen to you. Don't go for a run because I drag you, and don't have a frosty because "that's all there was."

    Spend some time on your knees and make up your mind. Then go with it. We're all here to love you and help you whatever you decide to do.

    And no one's perfect. I've been sneaking food all week long. The let-down from last week got to me and I've been cheating...too much. But if we want this, we can do this. We CAN.

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